Dating narcissistic men
With every smash against the rocks I took, every despairing night and furious girlfriend, the heavy armor surrounding my heart cracked and weakened until I gradually discovered an abiding peace and a laughter I had never felt in my body before.When I finally emerged from that dark night, I found myself in a new reality that showed me we are all innocent in our ignorance.My brain usually says I’ve got to work harder, be better and do more just to survive, never mind thrive. And my balls, well, they’re never satisfied for long. My heart, on the other hand, is perfectly content to enjoy this moment. He might even put someone in jail if they prove to threaten the world he envisions.It’s hard to fully let go and surrender to laughter when I believe I’m still not yet good enough … It can find the innocence in most any situation, and it can laugh effortlessly at the crazy divine comedy that is life. But he can always see the innocence that leads to ignorant, even awful behavior.A man genuinely connected to his heart, who lives each day with his brain and balls in proper service to his heart’s deeper wisdom, is a man that breathes life into the world. In the military, I was so disconnected from my heart that I hated life. Little did I know, I was also heading into the darkest night my soul has ever experienced.He can inspire and lift up the world, even if it’s only one person’s world. That dark night waxed and waned for 12 years and involved angry women and drugs and heartbreak and financial ruin.That one insight gave me access to an embodied patience with people, myself, with life, that I had never known, that no one ever taught me. Granted, my patience remains a work in progress for my brain and my balls still constantly seek to assert their authority.But my heart is no longer slave to my brain or my balls.
When I was trapped in the brain-ball matrix, I would only listen to a girlfriend with the singular intent of evaluating to respond.
Only I didn’t know that until the wisdom in my heart started showing me the wild beauty in all things.
My intellect has always been predisposed to lie to me by telling me things are worse than they really are.
I wanted to keep our thoughts in agreement because that’s the only place I figured peace of mind and sex could happen.
My attempt to intellectualize every argument however, mostly created chaos.